Can't Stop the Lovin'
by aenonic
Summary: Sasuke's day is going pretty well. At least, until his brother falls for his best friend. Literally. One-Shot. Slash. ItaNaru.


Can't Stop the Lovin'

Disclaimer: Sadly, and surprisingly enough, Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me.

Pairing: ItaNaru

Summary: Sasuke's day is going pretty well. At least, until his brother falls for his best friend. Literally.

* * *

Naruto was really nervous about going to Sasuke's house. What if his parents didn't like him? Well, actually, according to Sasuke only Itachi was home right now - but it was _Itachi_ , Sasuke's genius brother. What if Itachi thought he was totally uncool? Naruto didn't know what he'd do it he embarrassed himself in front of Sasuke's relatives!

Naruto's teeth dug deeper into the pen nib he was chewing on, even as he glanced down at his watch to check the time for the nth time. Three hours left until the apocalypse began.

Oh god, what were brothers like? How was he supposed to act towards them? Itachi had already graduated from college, and was five years older, so he was a lot older...he wouldn't think Naruto was too immature, right? Well, sometimes Sasuke said he was - a lot of times actually - but he could be mature, too, when he wanted.

Really.

Inhaling a deep breath, Naruto attempted to re-focus his attention on the teacher again. Only two more classes after this one, then his day would be over, and he'd have to meet Sasuke's brother and not totally embarrass himself.

Actually, maybe he was too worried.

Maybe Itachi wouldn't be home at all. And then Naruto wouldn't have to consider how to interact with him at all. And everything would be fine.

Right.

* * *

"Oi, dobe!"

A husky voice called his name, and Naruto turned amidst the sound of fainting fangirls to see his best friend walking towards him.

For once, Naruto was too nervous to give a snappy comeback.

"O-oh, h-hey Sasuke, are we going t-to your house now?"

Sasuke stared at him, and scoffed.

"Don't tell me you're still nervous about meeting my brother."

"H-ha of course not, w-why would I be nervous about potentially offending your brother and getting myself banned from your house, and losing you as my best friend?" Naruto gave a shaky grin, confident that he'd managed to ad lib his nervousness.

Sasuke sighed and set a hand down on his friend's shoulder. "Look, Naruto, I really respect my brother - but you're my best friend, so even if he does disapprove of you, I'll still be your friend."

Naruto perked up. "Really?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"...Shut the hell up."

Undeterred, Naruto launched himself at his best friend with a grin.

"I love you, 'Suke-chan!"

"Hn." Sasuke turned his head away to hide a blush.

* * *

The car trip to Sasuke's house was long and arduous, but even being driven in a luxurious limousine hadn't prevented Naruto from assuaging his own boredom by annoying Sasuke, and quickly reducing the latter to monosyllabic responses.

Still, exiting the car was like seeing the sun in the first time after a thousand years. Naruto immediately jumped out and stretched his arms to the sky.

"You should get an Xbox for your limo," he recommended Sasuke as he opened his eyes.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted, too worn out by Naruto's earlier pestering to expend energy for a proper reply.

The Uchiha mansion was just as impressive as it was the last time Naruto had gone over (and consumed half of Sasuke's snacks). Tall, fancy, and looking way too unnecessarily expensive for a single kid whose parents were on business trips almost all of the time, and whose brother had graduated early and already had his own job as a highly successful lawyer.

...Whiiiich was why, of course, the great and gracious Naruto often took it upon himself to have sleepovers, and stay-overs as often as he humanly could. Sasuke didn't mind, he was sure - in fact, he looked kinda happy the last time he'd offered. Also, it was a million times better than listening to Jiraiya and his newest "muse".

Still, it could just be Naruto's imagination, but the mansion seemed more...ominous than usual. Kinda like the castles with the demon lords in them that'd he'd seen in his video games. Which reminded him…

"Hey, Sasuke," he whispered, "what does your brother look like anyways? What's he act like? Does he always have a stick up his ass like you? Does he like ramen-flavored ice cream?"

Sasuke's eye twitched as he began walking towards the front gates of the mansion.

"You'll see once he opens the front door, moron. Also, no one likes ramen-flavored ice cream, except for ramen-flavored morons whose brain cells have all been killed off already."

"Everyone loves ramen-flavored ice cream!" Naruto protested. "They just don't know it yet!"

"All they need is a taste, and they'll know, alright."

"At least I don't like _ketchup-_ flavored ice cream like you!"

"It's _tomato_ -flavored ice cream. Which is actually a fruit, unlike the sodium-saturated cesspool of fat that _you_ enjoy inhaling!"

Naruto narrowed his eyes to glare angrily at his best friend. "Take that back you bastard! Ramen is a gift from the _gods_ , oka- _oof_ \- "

He felt himself stumble into a solid mass before falling, his breath being knocked out of his chest as his feet lost grip on the ground.

"Ow…" Naruto groaned as he rubbed his forehead, and tried to lift his body from the warmth it was pressed against, only for his hands to slip, and fall back on his elbows. His eyes opened to meet dark cesspools of obsidian.

"Hello, Naruto," greeted a voice that flowed like dark velvet.

Naruto's face flushed as he realized exactly who he'd fallen on.

"Oh, crap, I'm so sorry - er, Itachi right? - I didn't mean to - "

From behind him, Sasuke snorted as he closed the door. "Yeah, he didn't. He's just naturally clumsy"

Naruto shot him an angry glare as he attempted to rise to his feet, only to be restrained by the arm around his waist - which had prevented him from falling to the side and cracking his head, earlier.

"You shouldn't rise so quickly after losing your balance," Itachi scolded.

Naruto flushed in embarrassment before hastily agreeing. Great, now Sasuke's brother thought he was a clumsy idiot, too...which he wasn't, really!

A random detail suddenly caught his attention, thankfully distracting him from ponderings as to his agility. Naruto stared down at the older man for a few seconds before leaning closer.

"Whoa," he said, "you have really long eyelashes!"

Itachi's eyes flashed with an imperceptible expression, but blinked before Naruto could register what it was.

Sasuke groaned in frustration. "Naruto, please get off of my brother so we can get _out_ of the front entranceway!"

"Er, right!" Naruto hastily scrambled out of Itachi's hold before standing up and offering him a hand. "Let's get going then?" He suggested with a grin.

Itachi took his hand with a slight smile. "Indeed. Let's...get going."

Naruto helped him get up, before releasing his hand and bouncing next to him. All of his previous worries about embarrassing himself had dissipated - after all, he couldn't do much worse than trip on top of Sasuke's brother, right? Also, he seemed pretty nice, so Naruto wasn't worried about being judged much anymore.

"Hey, hey, so what're we doing next?" Naruto asked with a smile.

"I will be preparing dinner," Itachi answered. "You and Sasuke may spend your time together however you wish."

"Eh?" Naruto frowned. "I thought you had your professional chef cook stuff for you?"

"Itachi prefers to do everything himself," Sasuke explained from ahead of them. "He even opened the door for us earlier."

Huh, Naruto hadn't noticed - he'd been too caught up in the argument, which he couldn't remember was about anymore...Still, that sounded pretty lonely, Itachi cooking by himself while Naruto kicked Sasuke's ass in video games.

"How 'bout we help you out?" Naruto asked.

Before them, Sasuke stopped and turned around. "You can cook?" He raised an incredulous eyebrow.

Naruto huffed irritably. "Yeah I can! Jiraiya makes me cook all the time, and he hasn't dropped dead yet! He's even used it to get girls!"

"Then how come you always order pizza the few times I come over?"

A sheepish grin. "Well, you know, it's a lot easier and all...I mean, I have to cook for my pervy godfather on a regular basis, so a break's always nice, right?"

Sasuke's eye twitched before he went over, swung an arm around Naruto's neck, and began digging his fist into Naruto's head.

"You useless moron...eating all of my snacks and fancy food, and forcing me to eat _take-out_ just because you're too fucking lazy to cook…"

Itachi cleared his throat from behind them, interrupting Sasuke from any further destruction of Naruto's brain cells.

"Actually...some help today in the kitchen would be nice, as I am cooking for three, and it would make the process a lot faster. I would ask Sasuke as well, but he is not very...experienced...in the art of cooking."

Naruto immediately cracked up, easily breaking out of Sasuke's frozen hold.

"Oh my god...Sasuke...you don't don't know how to cook?!" Naruto's snickers rose into giggles as he doubled over. "Tall, dark, handsome, _perfect_ Sasuke doesn't know how to cook?! Wait 'till the fangirls hear about this!"

Sasuke averted his face to hide his flushed cheeks. "Shut up, okay? I'd never had to learn how to cook."

"Heh...oh yeah...no wonder you had a _professional_ chef...because you didn't know how to cook…"

"Last time Sasuke attempted to cook," Itachi provided helpfully, "was, fortunately, while I was still present. I managed to douse the fire and clear the smoke before anything disastrous happened. The black pieces of toast were, however, too far gone to salvage."

The force of his mirth was too much for Naruto, whose chest shook as he fell to the ground. "Ohmigosh...Sasuke...toast...fire...smoke... _toast_...pfft...hahaha…"

Sasuke twitched one last time before declaring, "I'm going upstairs."

Naruto endured one last round of snickers before managing to calm himself.

He wiped a few stray tears on his eyes before grinning up at Itachi.

"Hey, thanks for that. Now I'll have ammunition for whenever he calls me clumsy again."

"I see," Itachi replied, a small smile of amusement twisting his lips.

Naruto tugged at Itachi's hand and began leading the latter off to where he knew the kitchen was, having been there to sneak snacks pretty much every time he'd been there.

"Let's go!"

* * *

Sasuke twirled his pencil between his fingers absentmindedly, as he pondered the application of Bernoulli's equation to a moving fluid in order to rationalize the connection between its starting and ending pressures and energies.

However, against his will - even though he'd been completely focused before - his thoughts began drifting from his homework to the events earlier.

The way Itachi had caught Naruto when he'd fallen earlier...Itachi normally wasn't that affectionate towards anyone, except Sasuke and his parents...nor was he fond of touching random strangers, so why would he do that?

In fact, the one time he'd brought home a girlfriend to show his parents after their pleadings, he'd avoided her like she had the plague, and he'd conspicuously leaned _away_ from her everytime she tried to hug or touch him. Needless to say, she'd dumped him in a rather public shouting spectacle later, and their parents had never tried to force Itachi to "settle down" again.

Also, Itachi was never one to announce things about his private life, even to his friends. Court conflicts could be quite dangerous, and sometimes even involve behind-the-scenes dealings, as all politics sometimes did. Therefore, it wasn't really surprising that working as a lawyer had caused Itachi to grow even more reticent than he'd been as a teenager.

And so, his behavior earlier, in which he'd openly revealed to a virtual stranger about Sasuke's cooking habits was rather...odd. In fact, it was as if he'd done it just to embarrass, no, _just to get rid of Sasuke_.

But why?

Why would he want to get rid of Sasuke, and be alone with a boy who'd he'd prevented from falling on the ground, had touched multiple times, and had easily talked about his family to?

...Oh fuck.

Sasuke dropped his pen before jumping to his feet and dashing downstairs.

* * *

When Sasuke slammed the kitchen door open, it was to the scene of Naruto licking some...white stuff...off of his fingers while Itachi stared openly.

Oh fuck no.

Sasuke ran over to his friend, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him back and forth.

"Naruto! Has Itachi raped you yet!"

Naruto gaped at Sasuke, flabbergasted. "Um, what? I think I might have some cream in my ear, 'cuz I could've sworn you just asked if - "

Sasuke shook him harder.

"Has Itachi touched you in any way that might be considered inappropriate and beyond the social boundary line of _acquaintances_ , such as on your neck, your collarbone, your stomach, and - "

Certain that he didn't want to hear anymore, Naruto placed a hand over Sasuke's mouth, and stared him carefully in the eyes, as if one might with a wounded, disoriented animal.

"Sasuke…" he asked seriously, "...are you high?"

Sasuke picked up the offending hand, and held it aside in a firm grip.

"I am not high, you moron," Sasuke hissed angrily. "I am asking if anything happened while you two were _alone_ in an empty room, _together -_ "

"'Cuz if you're high or whatever," Naruto continued, completely ignoring Sasuke's words, "don't worry 'cuz we're just about done. Well, we were actually done an hour ago, but then Itachi said that we should make some cake with lots of cream for you, 'cuz apparently you're crazy for Italian Cream Cake, which you totally should've told me 'cuz I would've made it for you for your birthday last year - "

"I do _not_ like Cream Cake," Sasuke snapped, "so answer my question - "

"Aww," Naruto cooed, patting his face with his other, free hand, "you don't have to _pretend_ to be all cool and sour! You can admit that you're secretly a soft, cream-lover deep, deep inside your non-existant stone-cold heart to your _best friend_ , right?"

"Yes indeed," Itachi, Sasuke's beloved brother who wasn't so beloved right now agreed with a smirk, "just admit you love Cream Cake, and you can go wait upstairs while we finish up our baking down here. By _ourselves_."

Like hell he'd let his brother and his best friend hook up. Sasuke Uchiha did _not_ third-wheel for anyone. In fact, he'd do anything in his power to stop them. For his own sake, he would become greater than any Cupid - he would become the _anti_ -Cupid. Lupider. Lucipider. Fuck, whatever.

Sasuke restrained a growl as he leaned forwards and slammed his hands down on the flour-covered counter. "I'm hungry. Let's eat. _Now._ "

"But we were just about to finish putting the cream on - "

" _Now_."

Naruto shot a perplexed look at Itachi and silently mouthed ' _What's up his ass?'_. Itachi gave a bemused shrug in reply. _That pretender_ , Sasuke mentally snarled.

The anti-Cupid carefully monitored the actions of the other two as he lead them towards the left end of the over-sized dinner table. He watched as as Itachi balanced the plates of spaghetti and salad across his hands and arms, and Naruto carried the remaining plate of salad, the drinks and the silverware.

With a glare, Naruto demanded, "aren't you going to help, bastard?"

"I am helping," Sasuke gritted out, shooting Itachi a warning glare as he stepped closer to Naruto. Itachi raised a brow and ignored him.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Naruto, you shouldn't walk so close to Itachi. What if you accidentally knocked into him, and spilled everything?"

Naruto glanced to his side before yelping and stepping away. "Oh crap, Itachi! Sorry!"

Concealing a smirk, Sasuke's confidence shot up. Yes. He could do this. The anti-Cupid would prevail.

* * *

With a few more glares and silent warnings, the trio managed to get to the dinner table without any incidences. Of course, it only took half a minute at the most - but to Sasuke, it felt like an eternity.

It was once they got the the table, however, that Sasuke realized that his struggles had only begun.

First of all, after the table had been set, Itachi had pulled out a chair for Naruto, which he had slowly sat down in.

Sasuke wanted to tear out his hair in frustration. Didn't Naruto understand that only _girls_ were supposed to have their chairs pulled out for them? Like the few, crazy, fangirls that Sasuke had dated? Why would Naruto sit down?!

Then, to Sasuke's even greater agony, after seating Naruto in the chair next to the head of the table, Itachi sat in the only chair directly next to him, forcing Sasuke to sit in the only chair left open next to Naruto, which was _perpendicular_ to him rather than _next to_ , like Itachi's.

Then, oh god, _then_ , _would the day never end_ , while they were eating, Naruto was completely immersed in conversation with Itachi, and Itachi was _smiling_ , which meant that he was actually interested in Naruto, not Naruto's _body._ Or probably a bit of both. Still, both of them were ignoring Sasuke, which meant that _it was already starting_.

Sasuke's hand clenched tighter around his fork as Itachi dabbed off a bit of sauce from Naruto's face with his finger, then licked it off - _at least he didn't do it directly with his tongue_ , he reassured itself - then as Itachi offered Naruto a taste of his drink - _at least he didn't give it to him with his mouth_ \- but then, Naruto spilled some of his own drink on his shirt, and Itachi offered to give him some of his clothes and let him change upstairs, aka _in Itachi's room_ , Sasuke drew the fucking line.

His brother and his best friend were _not_ going to have sex in his house. Sure, he might've skipped quite a few steps there - but he was an Uchiha, and the Uchiha's fearsome predictive skills had aided them in the stock market before stock markets had even existed, and had even been described as "prophetic". Naruto was stupid, gullible, and innocent - and Itachi was, well not - so he _knew_ what was going to happen the second Naruto stepped into that room.

Sasuke stood up so fast his chair tipped over. "It's late now! Naruto, time for you to leave, I have some er...family business I have to discuss with Itachi."

"Eh?" Naruto protested, "I'm not going home in a wet shirt, you bastard!"

"Deal with it," Sasuke snapped, as he forced Naruto out of the chair and began pushing him towards the exit doors.

Naruto dug his heels in stubbornly. "Why can't I stay over like usual? Or better yet, why don't you give me your shirt, and _you_ can wear this shirt?"

"I would, but you see, family matters and all - "

"What the hell does that have to do with family matters?!"

"Now, now, foolish younger brother," Itachi chided from behind them, eyes gleaming with mirth. "Let's not be so hasty. After all, Naruto needs a driver, no, and the hired driver has already retired home for the day. Therefore, it would be best if I accompanied him myself."

"No," Sasuke protested quickly, "actually, since I'm Naruto's best friend and all, I'll drive him home."

"Very well then." Itachi gave an overconfident smirk, not at all deterred by what was only a small set-back in his plans, "You should drive your car out of the garage, while I go and retrieve a clean shirt from upstairs."

"Right," Sasuke nodded, the faster he did this, the faster Naruto and his brother would be separate. "Stay here," he ordered Naruto, then shot a warning glare at Itachi, and ran off to prepare the car.

* * *

It was five minutes after Sasuke had parked his Mercedes in front of the entranceway that Naruto exited with a dazed look on his face. Sasuke checked him carefully for any incriminating evidence. Bite marks, no, bruises, no, kiss marks, no. Thank god. The anti-Cupid had indeed prevailed.

After Naruto entered the car, Sasuke immediately got down to business.

"Stay away from my brother," Sasuke ordered.

Naruto furrowed his brows. "Eh? Why? He seems plenty nice?"

"Just stay away from him."

There was a moment of silence, the car's engine the only sound in the background, before Naruto replied.

"Is it...is it because I'm not good enough? Is that why you don't want me near your brother?" Naruto's normally boisterous voice was muted, and Sasuke glanced in the rear mirror to see a lowered face and trembling hands. Guilt welled up in his chest.

Parking the car in a nearby curb, Sasuke turned around and reached out with a finger to tilt his friend's chin up in order to connect their gazes.

"Sorry," Sasuke said in a voice that almost bordered on kind, "I didn't mean to phrase it like that. It's just...Itachi's kind of amazing, isn't he? A prodigy, graduated years early, and now a highly successful lawyer...I'm just afraid that you'll be so impressed by him that you'll…forget about me." Of course, the actual truth was that he didn't want to see his brother and best friend making sickening, lovey-dovey eyes at each other while he was stuck on the sidelines, but close enough.

Naruto's gaze turned into an indignant glare, "I wouldn't do that, bastard. You'll always be my best friend. Besides, you're plenty impressive yourself...always top in the school. I should be the one worried about you leaving me."

"Right," Sasuke murmured, highly flustered by this emotional confrontation that he'd inadvertently brought on. "But just so you know, since this is the first time since you've met part of my family...sometimes we have really weird er...traditions, so if Itachi does anything weird, it's just a family tradition, okay? Like all Uchihas being smart. That's an, er, thing."

Naruto blinked the rest of his unease away before giving a tremulous grin. "Oh. Like how you always grunt when you're too lazy to reply properly?"

"Right."

"And how you like tomatoes and Itachi likes pocky?"

"Right."

"And how Itachi kissed me on the forehead earlier as a good-bye?"

"Ri - HE _WHAT_."

* * *

"Hey, hey, Sasuke! Guess what, Itachi said he's going to be staying a while longer!"

...was Naruto's greeting to Sasuke a few weeks later in school.

"That's great," Sasuke muttered, not really enthused. At this rate, Itachi was not only going to stay for a while...but he was going to move in. And stay forever. And then Naruto would move in. And Sasuke would have to move out. Or risk feeling nauseated by transparent glowing heart effects on a regular basis.

Naruto bounced up and down in his seat, an exuberant grin spreading across his face. "Your brother's so awesome, Sasuke! Why can't you be as awesome as him?"

"That's great."

"Yesterday, he even made me ramen! I think I'm in love with your brother!"

"That's great - _WHAT?_ "

Naruto stuck his face in front of him and grinned. "I think I'm in love with your brother, Sasuke!" He sang.

Sasuke's eyes popped open as he began choking on pure air. Very quickly, he slapped himself across the face. Nope, still awake.

"Sasuke?" Naruto furrowed his brows and leaned closer in worry. "What's wrong? You're not having a stroke, are you? Did my joke freak you out that much?"

Immediately, Sasuke's breath evened out. A joke. Right. That was definitely what it was. Naruto was too stupid to realize his feelings for Itachi, if he had any, and much too stupid to even realize Itachi had any for him. The world was still right-side up, and the end had not yet arrived.

"Yes," Sasuke nodded decisively, "I knew that. That was obvious. Very obvious. Whatever reaction I had - which was, none at all - had nothing to do with that."

Naruto tilted his head in confusion. "Um, okay?" Sometimes, Sasuke made no sense at all.

* * *

Sasuke slammed open the door and stomped in, tossing himself into one of the sofas. The sign above the door said "Student Council Room", but he knew that there'd be only one person left at this time, after school, alone.

During school, Naruto just wouldn't stop talking about Itachi, his older brother whom he'd always idolized since he was in their mother's womb, but wasn't sure he still did now. Itachi had just done this...Itachi had just done that...Itachi was so great...And on the other side of the spectrum was Itachi himself, always asking how Naruto was today...how Naruto was in class...if Naruto was eating lunch properly…

Just let it _end_ already…

He'd even make a deal with the devil if he had to. Which, technically, he was doing right now.

On the other sofa, the pink-haired Student Council President put down her Biology textbook to ask, "What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?"

Sakura Haruno, a girl who'd had a crush on him since elementary, but had somehow snapped out of it and become somewhat bearable after five years or so. She was annoying as ever, but there was no denying that she was a natural at giving advice. Especially relationship advice, which this wasn't.

Sasuke mumbled something unintelligible under his breath.

A sudden force hit the back of his head.

"Speak up," Sakura ordered.

Sasuke sighed, slowly lifted his head, and explained the entire situation with Itachi and Naruto. He needed her brainpower in this if he wanted to figure out how to keep them apart. Forever.

Humming lowly, Sakura tapped a finger on her chin in thought.

"Sounds to me like your brother's got it bad for Naruto," she mused.

"...That's obvious," Sasuke reluctantly admitted.

"Aaand, it also sounds like you really, really don't want them to get together."

"Also obvious."

Sakura pushed her textbook aside, pulled out a pair of glasses, clasped her hands, and angled herself towards Sasuke.

"Now, why do you think that may be?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "Look, Sakura, I'm not asking for a therapist session here, I'm looking for a friend who can help me resolve this clearly calamitous issue."

Sakura nodded seriously. "Indeed it is a dire situation, my dear patient. However, we must keep in mind that oftentimes to resolve issues throughout our life, we must first deal with our own internal ones. Now, why do you think you are so determined to prevent your brother and Naruto from dating?"

"Because," Sasuke hissed, "they're my _brother_ and _best friend._ Itachi _lives_ with me. Heck, Naruto lives with me half of the time. Do you think I want to be around them while they flirt and giggle and - and they - ," his face gained a slightly green tinge, "they engage in the act of se...se…"

"Now, now," Sakura interrupted kindly, "no need to force yourself there. However, if I may ask, why so concerned about their interactions in your house? After all, it is more than likely that the two of them would spend more time in Naruto's house. Or, alternatively, being hella rich, you could rent yourself a hotel room for certain nights."

"I could, but I wouldn't _have_ to if they just stayed apart, you know?" Sasuke explained.

"A flimsy excuse, my dear patient, and unrelated to your actual issue. No, the true root of your discomfort is…" Sakura pushed up her glasses and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Your _brother complex_."

"My what." Sasuke's tone was past stunned - it was murderous.

"Yes, a brother complex. An extreme obsession with one's brother, often indistinguishable from romantic love. Symptoms include possessiveness, possessiveness, and more possessiveness."

"I don't have a - "

Sakura reached out, and gently clasped Sasuke's hands in her own. Hives crept up Sasuke's arms and he quickly jerked his hands away.

"Sasuke. Repeat after me: I, Sasuke Uchiha, have an extreme obsession with my older brother, Itachi Uchiha, that borders on incest."

That was it. Sasuke leveled at a glare at his so-called friend that could level buildings and cities. This was fucking useless. Sure, he might've seen Itachi as the fucking sun and stars when he was younger, but he grew out of it once he realized what a sadistic asshole his older brother could be, and even more so once Itachi ditched him and left him on his own with their absentee parents.

Sasuke leapt to his feet and stalked to the door, ire dripping off of him with every step like hot lava. He slammed the door behind him.

Sakura, the only one left in the empty classroom now, giggled. Sorry, Sasuke, but it's her duty as the school Cupid to support budding relationships in any way possible.

She lifted the covers of her Biology textbook, turning her gaze back to the ItaNaru doujinshi she had hidden within.

Right. That was the only reason, really.

* * *

This was it, Sasuke decided. This was the moment of confrontation.

Itachi was leisurely cooking the kitchen, expression as stoic as ever even as he mixed tomato sauce in a pan.

He would stalk in, grab Itachi by the collar and demand answers.

However, as Sasuke was pushing the kitchen door open wider, he paused. And then what?

Would he demand if Itachi had a crush (Sasuke shuddered at the word that was obviously _not_ meant to be used in conjunction with his brother) on Naruto? The answer was, quite obviously, yes.

Would he demand that Itachi stay away from Naruto and never meet up with him again? The answer was, quite obviously, no.

Or would he demand that Itachi return to his faraway job and never come back? The answer would be, quite obviously, no...unless Naruto was coming with him.

No matter what Sasuke asked or demanded, he knew what the answers would be already, and that he could do nothing to change them. He had no power over his brother.

Sasuke dropped his hand and walked away.

He'd have to try the other side, then.

* * *

However, as Sasuke soon found out, "trying the other side" was easier said than done.

Not because a downcast expression and watery blue eyes kept popping up in his memory whenever he tried - Sasuke didn't give a crap about that. Really.

It was because no matter what he did, Naruto wouldn't shut up about Itachi.

"Sasuke! Guess what? Your brother invited me to go to an amusement park with him this weekend! I can't wait, I've heard that the roller coaster there is awesome! And afterwards, we're going to watch that new Konoha movie that came out!" _It's a date, you moron._

"Look, look, I fell, but Itachi helped me bandage up my elbow! He was so good at it, too! Wanna see?" _Great, now you're on a first-name basis…_ "No."

"Hey, hey, I'll be going to Ichiraku's with Itachi tomorrow! You know, that really expensive ramen restaurant! Gah, I don't know how I'm ever gonna pay him him!" _By marrying him, most likely_.

Naruto turned towards Sasuke, an exuberant grin stretching across his face. "Itachi's so awesome! I can't believe he even knew that ramen is my favorite food! You're so lucky to have him as your brother! I wish he were my brother!" Naruto shook his head, as if trying to snap back to reality. "But I'm lucky enough to have him as my friend!"

Sasuke slammed his fist down on his desk. He ignored the sudden silence around him, as heads snapped towards the two best friends (rivals? lovers? enemies? no one was quite sure) in the middle of Literature class.

He leaned closer to Naruto, pulling him by the collar until their faces were centimeters apart.

" _He likes you._ " Sasuke hissed.

Naruto blinked and stared blankly.

"Itachi. Likes. You. He has a fucking crush on you, he wants to bone you - "

Naruto's face flushed red. "E-eh? What?"

"My brother is in fucking love with you!"

Naruto's entire face had turned so red that it seemed like steam was popping out of his ears.

"The movies, the ramen restaurant, the amusement park, were all _dates!_ He asked you out on fucking dates and you didn't even notice!"

"B-but - h-how - I mean - "

"Because you're a fucking idiot, that's how!"

"B-but - I mean - " Naruto paused, staring blankly into space. He stared some more. And some more. Suddenly, his eyes widened, as if he had realized the secrets to the entire universe. His mouth also widened, and shouted, "I have to go really badly!" And ran off. Out of the classroom. In the middle of class.

Sasuke was left alone in a room full of silent, judgemental stares. And a giggling Kakashi Hatake at the front of the room. "What?" Sasuke hissed, glaring at all of them until they not so much awkwardly turned away as turned their heads and began snickering in the opposite direction.

He really hated his life.

* * *

Naruto never returned to school for the rest of the day, and his so-called "best friend" was forced by the teachers to pick up his papers for him. If only Naruto wasn't so blond and lovable, then maybe the teachers wouldn't be so supportive of him.

But as it was, Naruto was outgoing and charismatic (but also a dobe), and so Sasuke was forced to carry his homework not only out of the school, but also the entire trip home, all because Itachi had recently dismissed their driver, saying that Sasuke needed more exercise anyways, and he feared that if his dear younger brother got any fatter, he'd die of heart disease. Truth: Itachi just wanted to spite him.

The truth wouldn't matter if it wasn't so hot.

Unbearably hot, with the sun glaring down so hard that the flowers bent under its weight, and the air was so saturated with evaporated water that no matter how much he sweated, it'd be impossible to get any damper. Were those glowing tomatoes he saw by the sidewalk? No - impossible - don't let them fool you, Sasuke.

Still, as with everything, Sasuke prevailed, and managed to struggle home. One small step by one small step. It took him ten long minutes to fumble for his keys with one hand holding him up against the door, but he managed.

From there, it was another staggering step to his room...and then another...and another…

"Ah! Stop, it hurts!"

Sasuke stopped. All of his exhaustion suddenly vanished.

"Not so fast, idiot!" A moan, and then a grunt.

"It could hurt less if you didn't move." Itachi's voice was inappropriately amused.

"But - ah! - I can't help it!"

Nononononono. Sasuke ripped Itachi's door open, and shouted, in an oddly high-pitched voice, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"AH!" Naruto let out an even higher-pitched shriek, and Sasuke froze as he took in the scene.

Naruto was sitting down, and huddled over, clutching at his arm. Itachi sat next to Naruto on the bed, with a ripped-off band-aid between his fingers, and a look in his eyes that said that he knew exactly why Sasuke had slammed the door open.

"Welcome home, otouto," Itachi greeted as his lips twitched upwards.

Naruto was much less amiable.

"What the hell, Sasuke!" He hissed, rubbing the sore patch on his arm. "That hurt like a bitch because of you!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, easily hiding the relief he felt inside. He and Itachi used the same washing machine, and dryer. He didn't know what he'd do if he and Naruto were actually doing...that...on his bed. Commit suicide, maybe. That'd definitely get the image out of his head. "Shut up, dobe. You're eighteen; you should be able to remove band-aids by yourself."

"What!" Naruto protested, crossing his arms. "You're never too old to have someone help you take off band-aids! It hurts like hell, okay!?"

"Right," answered Sasuke absently, as he stepped out of the room and breathed a silent sigh of relief.

Maybe he was overreacting - maybe he was just imagining the whole Itachi-has-the-hots-for-Naruto thing, and Itachi really just wanted to be friends with Naruto, but because of his social awkwardness and Uchiha-ness he was wholly unable to do so in the normal fashion. Yes. That sounded probable.

Just as he came to this enlightening conclusion, however, Itachi poked his head out of his room. "Sasuke," he greeted with a smirk, "I just wanted to thank you for awakening Naruto to my affections, and bringing us together. If I'd known you'd be such a great 'wingman', I would have recruited your help earlier. Truly, I could not have a better foolish younger brother." His smirk grew wider. "Oh, and I recommend that you...keep some distance from my room for the rest of the afternoon. And perhaps the night." He closed the door.

Sasuke really, really hated his family. And his friend. And his life.

* * *

aenonic

Inspired by the prompt: "Person A is trying to flirt with Person B, who is completely oblivious. Person B doesn't understand until Person C explains it to them." (otpprompts)


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